#OTLmaskoff 01: On cultivating self-discipline and maintaining authenticity while living with bipolar depression.
INTRO TO #OTLMASKOFF
Authenticity has been a core tenet of on the LEAUX since its inception nearly three years ago. However, I have constantly struggled with what it really means to be authentic, beyond the dictionary definition. This struggle was the basis of this weeks #OTLjournalprompt on IG:
#OTLmaskoff is my attempt to answer this prompt. What does authenticity look like, especially: when living as a black woman in a country hellbent on the systematic oppression and extermination of my people; when living during a full-blown global pandemic while being a full-time mother and full-time grad student and full-time part-time worker (wait…nvm that last part); when living with a mental illness that makes everything all the more difficult to deal with? I’m not sure, but I’m about to find out.
DISCIPLINED DEDICATION: CHANNELING PASSION INTO PRODUCTIVITY
The first aspect that I’ll be exploring with #OTLmaskoff is authenticity as it pertains to self-discipline. Self-discipline and bipolar disorder tend to feel like polar opposites, but they don’t have to be. In fact, as I have been working on being more disciplined – out of the necessity of working from home and having my routine completely demolished – it has seemed to help me manage my symptoms better, especially those of (hypo)mania.
I’ve mentioned before that, at the beginning of each new year, I like to choose a word or phrase that I will keep in mind and work to embody through my words, thoughts, and deeds during the year. This year’s phrase is “Disciplined Dedication”, which I define as “channeling passion into productivity”. 2019 was the year that i made this declaration:
Looking back on last year, I actually kept to my word on this. Why is this surprising? Full disclosure: I get easily distracted, and I fall down rabbit holes more often than Alice. Once I get interested in something, I watch/read/learn allllll the things pertaining to it, within the span of anywhere from a few days to a few months. Then, I’m done with it. On to the next. Unless it happens to be the rare thing that sticks with me (plants) or that I come back to after dropping it (bullet journaling), one day it’s the great passion of my life, and the next day it’s like I’ve never heard of it before. Last year, though, I realized just how much I could accomplish when I am focused and consistent, especially on that which I am truly passionate about, which brings to mind this quote from my fave, Queen Octavia (da Prophet):
“Prodigy is, at its essence, adaptability and persistent, positive obsession. Without persistence, what remains is an enthusiasm of the moment. Without adaptability, what remains may be channeled into destructive fanaticism. Without positive obsession, there is nothing at all.”
— Butler, 1993, p. 1
I want to fulfill the potential that I keep hearing I have. I want to be prodigious (c’mon vocab). It’s past time, and I have big plans. Being in a perpetual state of “winging it” is not conducive to where I’m trying to go, what I’m trying to do, or who I’m trying to be. No longer do I want to deal in “enthusiasm of the moment”, nor dabble in “destructive fanaticism”, nor be left with nothing to show from my short bursts of passion. Thus, 2020 being the year of “Disciplined Dedication”. When I say that I am channeling my passion into productivity, I primarily mean doing so in these areas:
Creative:
- I have been inconsistent with actually writing for on the LEAUX. At one point, I considered stopping the blog altogether and solely writing through social media, but I have so many plans for this platform. Plans that will take time and work and Disciplined Dedication. And I am finally ready to take those plans from the page to the implementation stage.
I have also been creating more on my personal social media channels. I know that I am not about the life of having a separate account/brand for my many interests, so I merged them into a hashtag that not-so-succinctly sums up my faves: #PlantsStacksRapsAndPlans.
School:
- I already have a spotty record when it comes to graduate school (details here, sorta), and taking two classes and working full-time almost took ya girl out last Fall. Since I had to choose, I chose to go to school full-time so that I could finish my Master’s degree sooner rather than later. And it was fine until #ThaRona came through. Nuff said, right? I got through the semester, but it took giving up on my 4.0 GPA, six weeks at my parents’ house, and a few solid crying seshes, tbh. As well as actively choosing not to drop out and pursue a rapping career. Just saying, it seemed like a viable option, at one point…I’m still here, though, so there’s that. #ForwardAlways
Home:
- My baby girl is about to be a 10-year-old middle schooler, lawdt help me. We’ve been butting heads more than ever, and being in lockdown and together 24/7 for months certainly has been alternately (1) beneficial in giving me the privilege to see her creativity and voice blossom, and (2) stressful, filled with arguments, tears, backtalk, fuming, and all of the other perks of living with a tween. *DEEP SIGH* Anyway, like I mentioned earlier, she and I spent a solid six weeks at my parents’ house. Ya girl needed help with the kid, and the kid needed to be in a place she considered to be “home”. And while it was great to be able to choose between sitting up under my mama and chilling/working/book-clubbing on the oasis that is her plant-covered porch, a grown woman and her mini-me need their own space in which to fuss/fight and/or snuggle/cuddle, ya know? So, upon returning to our apartment, I made an intentional effort to make this lil’ apartment feel more like home, for mini-me and for me. And by golly if it didn’t work. Got me in here feeling like Ari Lennox and whatnot.
OK, LEAUX, WHAT’S ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH AUTHENTICITY?
I’ve been asking myself the same thing. What does it mean to be authentic when you feel like you have to fight against yourself to be yourself? I mean, have you ever tried to practice self-discipline in the midst of (hypo)mania? Or depression? IT’S DIFFICULT AF YA HEARD ME. Not only is it hard, but it also has me constantly questioning myself. Am I being authentic when I post funny videos about my plants while I’ve been neglecting them for weeks? (Yes, weeks. I blame #ThaRona, plus my plants forgave me, so. Yeah.) Am I being authentic when I post pretty pics of my “organized” planners and bullet journal while I feel like my actual real life is a dumpster fire of disorganization and chaos? (And yes, I said planners, as in multiple, in addition to a bullet journal. We’ll get into my planner system – and whether or not it actually works – at a later date.) Am I being authentic when I tout the benefits of reflection and goal-setting when I have neither reflected on nor revisited my own goals in months?
The answer to each and every one of those questions is: yes.
Because my quest for self-discipline is rooted in a desire to be a better (not different) version of myself. Because my quest for self-discipline includes not only starting projects, but seeing them through to completion. Because my quest for self-discipline is not nor will it ever be perfect, pretty, or linear. #issajourneybruh
Being authentic doesn’t mean that you remain stagnant or that you never change. It means that, no matter where you are in your journey, you are being true to yourself. Who you have been. Who you are. Who you will be. Whether those three people are complete strangers or identical triplets, they are all a part of you, and there is no shame to be felt in regards to any of them, even (or especially) if they are not who you want to be.
COOL STORY, GIRL. WHAT’S NEXT?
I don’t want to say too much, in case I go off the grid for another however-many-months-its-been-since-my-last-post, y’know? But I will say that, for #OTLmaskoff, I have some thoughts on authenticity as it relates to perfection, strength, and shame. If you have thoughts, too, please feel free to share, either in the comments, via email (lauren[at]ontheleaux[dot]com), on Instagram, or on Facebook.
Talk soon,
🖤 Lauren 🌻
REFERENCES:
Butler, O.E. (1993). Parable of the sower. Grand Central Publishing.
PS: Parable of the Sower is one of my absolute favorite books EVER. Consider purchasing it (and everything else in your TBR pile) from one of the many black-owned bookshops highlighted here.