on the LEAUX.

in my early twenties, i used to be *terrified* of high school students. the first time i started substitute teaching in September 2010, i was 22 years old, and i refused to go to the high school. all i could think was: “they’re bigger than me. they’ll run over me in the hallway. they’re almost as old as me. they’ll think i’m one of them. they won’t listen to me. they’ll try to hit on me.” et cetera, et cetera. the one time the agency practically begged me to leave a Pre-K classroom to go to the high school, I politely, but sternly, refused.

fast forward to May 2018, and i am wrapping up my 3rd year of teaching 10th grade english. TENTH grade. me. full-time teaching. HIGH SCHOOL.

yeah, i ask myself that question almost daily. especially because, at one point, i vehemently opposed the idea of being a full-time teacher, period. when i was in college, i was not goin. however, when i returned home and began a second round of substitute teaching, i decided to leave my comfort zone and venture into the world of high school. and why not? i was older (definitely), wiser (probably), and more mature (allegedly).

and wouldn’t you know it: the more i subbed at the high school, the more i felt that i was where i was supposed to be. i couldn’t shake the feeling that i should be teaching full-time. and here i am.

looking back now, i can’t help but think that the feeling i couldn’t shake was of divine origin. “god will put you where you are supposed to be,” as my mother often says. i used to brush her off when she said that, but i get it now. no matter what version of god you believe in, you have probably felt a higher power pushing you towards (or away from) a place or a person or a goal. that little voice in your ear saying “apply for that.” the facebook comment from a friend saying “write about that.” signs of divine will are everywhere, and they can come from anyone or anything.

i think these signs are especially prevalent when it comes to doing things that scare you. reference my earlier story about how i became a teacher. none of it was accidental or coincidental. all i have to do is look at the signatures across the pages of my yearbook to see that these past three years have not been wasted.

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yes, i am an english teacher, but i’m not so concerned about any grammatical errors in these pages. just knowing that i have done my job well enough for these kids to claim they’re gonna miss me? talk about a boost to my mental wellness. while teaching has not always been a friend to my mental health, reading these messages over the past week definitely has me feeling all warm and fuzzy.

i don’t know if i will be a teacher forever, but i do know that my divine calling is education and mentorship, and instead of running from it (as i did for so many years), i am finally fully embracing it. when the time comes for me to continue as an educator in a different capacity, i may initially resist the change, but i will trust divine will to lead me in the right direction. especially when that direction scares me and gets me out of my comfort zone. god be good lookin’ out if you trust him. or her. 😉

the next post in the F.A.I.T.H. series will be the last one. *sad face* hopefully, these posts have been helpful for anyone out there struggling with the reconciliation of faith and fear. even though i’m the one who wrote them, they have helped me a lot, too. i truly believe that writing can be cathartic, and i encourage anyone reading this to try it. let me know how it goes. (:

❤️ lauren dee