on the LEAUX.

INTRO

Has it been three years since the first installment of the #OTLmaskoff series? Yes. Am I ‘shamed? Nah. Should I be? Eh… better late than never, I say. Sure, quite a few things have changed since Mask Off 01: new job, done degree, teenage kid, etc. And, it’s still #AuthenticityOverEverything over here. How does that work when you’re a recovering perfectionist, though? Let’s get into it.

AUNTIE CHELLE, BECOMING, AND BOX-CHECKING

In 2019, I participated in an on-campus book club that was reading Becoming by Michelle Obama. I won’t lie: I initially went for the free lunch (judge yaself). I also never finished the book (continue judging yaself). However, I thoroughly enjoyed the discussion. And during one of those discussions, we talked about being a box-checker:

“Beneath my laid-back college-kid demeanor, I lived like a half-closeted CEO, quietly but unswervingly focused on achievement, bent on checking every box. My to-do list lived in my head and went with me everywhere. I assessed my goals, analyzed my outcomes, counted my wins. If there was a challenge to vault, I’d vault it. One proving ground only opened onto the next. Such is the life of a girl who can’t stop wondering, Am I good enough? and is still trying to show herself the answer.”

(Obama, 2018, p. 97)

I had to go in on myself. The box-checker in me used to never cut myself a break. I always had a plan, a list of boxes waiting to be checked. Even when I got pregnant as a senior in college, and my world turned upside down, it wasn’t long before I had a new goals list, boxes and all.

Same when I flunked out of grad school.

Same when I quit teaching without first securing another job.

Same when I was initially denied admission to the graduate program I eventually finished (I mean, sometimes, the box-checking pays off 😏).

No matter the situation, ya girl was gonna have a plan and a list. However, over the past few years – beginning in The Year That Shall Not Be Named *cough* 2020 *cough*- I began to release myself from the need to obsessively plan out my future and make lists on lists of boxes and boxes waiting to be checked.

Now, don’t get me wrong: ya girl still loves a good list to go along with 1-, 2-, and 5-year plans. And, I’ve been practicing doing less long-term planning and more embracing the present while paying attention to opportunities that pop up outside of my plans. Do I have to be intentional about doing this? Absolutely. It’s pretty much a choice that I have to make almost daily. And constantly having to stay vigilant of my mental health definitely complicates things…

HOW BIPOLAR DEPRESSION AFFECTS MY INNER PERFECTIONIST

So you want to know how bipolar depression affects the perfectionist within? For me, it amplifies her. Yes, her. Let’s personify her even further and give her a name: Lil’ P. She’s often in my head yelling like, “Hey girl. Yeah, you. Don’t do it like that. Tweak it. Tweak it again. Keep nitpicking until it’s perfect. Then, tweak it some more. Ok, looks good. We still can’t put it out into the world, though. It isn’t good enough…”

UGH. 

Not only does Lil’ P get loud about being perfect; she also has the nerve to want to do all of the things to the highest level of excellence. Especially during periods of hypomania. While I sit and pile on task after goal after responsibility, getting all exacerbated and excited, Lil’ P is on the sidelines talmbout “Try everything! Do everything! Simultaneously! Flawlessly!” Ummmm, Miss Girl: you are NOT Beyonce, and neither am I.

SPEAKING OF QUEEN B

Yes, I am a member of the Hive. Random sidenote: Did y’all watch Swarm?? SO GOOD. Give Dominique Fishback every single award!

Anyway, back to B. For me, the HOMECOMING documentary was a game changer. Yes, it was a masterclass in performance and a pure #ForTheCulture moment. What really hit home for me, though, was how this woman, who is idolized and demonized in almost equal measure, made herself human and got real about what it took for her to get back to performing after having twins. And not just performing, but performing at her level and up to her standard, which is so high, you might as well say it’s in heaven. One of my favorite quotes from HOMECOMING:

“I definitely pushed myself further than I knew I could. And I learned a very valuable lesson––I will never, never push myself that far again.”

(Knowles-Carter, 2019)

It can be so easy to uphold those who we perceive to be high achievers as exemplars for how we should strive to live. I’ve been guilty of that myself: looking at my peers and contemporaries marking milestones that I have yet to reach, and feeling like I’m behind or delayed in my progress. It took a LOT of self-work, self-reflection, and self-talk to remind myself that often, people are only sharing the highlight reels. They aren’t getting into the process, the ugly behind the scenes, or the difficulty of what it took to get to those highlights.

Not only did I appreciate Beyonce’s transparency, but that moment served as a reminder to myself: just because I can do all the things, doesn’t mean I should. Just because I can do a lot of things well, doesn’t mean I have to do all of the things perfectly. Even B slips up every now and then. 

OUTRO: AUTHENTICITY OVER PERFECTION EVERYTHING

What I’ve learned since unlearning box-checking and quitting the pursuit of perfection:

• Perfection paralyzes potential.
• Perfection should never be the ideal.
• Perfection is not real.

Sometimes, expectations of perfection stem from [perceived] external pressure. Other times, those expectations are created within. As a continuously recovering perfectionist & box-checker, let me tell you: there is freedom in releasing ALL expectations of perfection, regardless of where they come from, and instead choosing to progress according to the divine timing that has been set for your life. 

What’s one way you are releasing perfection today? Let me know, and stay tuned for the next #OTLmaskoff post – we’re going to revisit Storm Syndrome and what it means to be Strong, especially as a Black woman. Yeah, it’s gonna be good 🙂 

Talk soon,

🖤  Lauren 🌻

REFERENCES

Knowles-Carter, B. (Executive Producer & Director). (2019). Homecoming: A Film by Beyoncé [Video file]. Retrieved from https://netflix.com

Obama, M. (2018). Becoming (First edition.). New York.